Emotions of a caretaker

I had no idea Paul's cancer would be so hard for me emotionally. I don't really understand it but it is very real. I don't DO much for Paul; he mostly sleeps and then wants to do for himself when awake. We haven't talked in about a month because he can't speak (neck radiation); we do communicate but it not the same. I find myself easily frustrated, to the point of tears. Right now I have tears flowing down my cheeks and they won't stop. I know it is "normal under the circumstances" but it's not normal for me. My mom has been down for the last week and she has been wonderful. She has prepared meals and weeded my overgrown flower garden. I wish she could stay another 2 weeks! People ask if there is anything they can do, but then don't help when I say I could use help with housework and getting my desk under control. This evening I just put everything on the desk on the floor so I could sit down and write out 2 overdue birthday cards to people I love dearly. Our 16 year old made dinner (every Sat. night) and every time he does it stresses me out due to his arrogance in the kitchen. He thinks he is his father and knows all about cooking. He doesn't, yet refuses to use a cookbook or take direction from me. "I know what I am doing." Paul will help him in the kitchen but he can't do that right now and I don't have the patience. Paul said he wanted to sleep through dinner and we let him be. I started this crying jag after I went to the dinner table and found the place settings 6"-8" from the edge of the table. Stupid right? But he has been taught correctly and was just being lazy about it. After 'words' I had them start without me so they would enjoy their meal. I went out to the porch and just cried. I remembered the power of writing and reaching out, that is why you are reading this. The tears have stopped and I feel a little better. I am thankful for this group and your support. A lot of you understand what we are going through.
Thanks for listening,
Leslye

Long Overdue Update

Paul is doing as well as can be expected, I guess. I don't think either of us are doing very well; Paul with his treatment and me with feeling helpless and worried about his health. Paul's last chemotherapy is TODAY! Unfortunately, he has 8 more doses of radiation and that is what is doing him in. Thursday the doctor canceled that day's radiation treatment and gave him a 4 day +weekend hiatus from radiation. He was overjoyed. He will restart on Weds. She stopped it due to his skin breaking down too much. Paul is unbelievably tired. I now lovingly call him a cat. He lost his voice the first week of treatment and now his throat and mouth are sore beyond belief; it is extremely painful to swallow, thus eat or drink. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I never knew what a nightmare this would be. I don't think anyone can understand unless they have walked the path. Blessings, Leslye ps-cards from family and friends would raise our spirits.