Anything Worth Doing Is Worth Doing Well

Today I got the details from the Dreaded Biopsy.  The good news: PET scans are indeed worthwhile for detecting cancer.  The Bad news: it detected more of it in me -- just a little more, but in this game that's like being a little pregnant.  The PET detected a previously unknown met of MCC in my left neck that the biopsy subsequently confirmed.  I'm a little confused about exactly what was confirmed, but the oncologist, radiologist and surgeon are all in agreement: more surgery is required.

When Dr. Nakka announced that the biopsy revealed more MCC in my left neck, Leslye took it much harder than I did and started crying after an angry outburst of "How dare it!".  Me, having been hardened by the sudden loss of my first kidney at 17, and being a testosterone numbed manly man, had short bursts of feelings lasting about half a second each in this order:

• "Damn!"
• "Uh oh, this could really be serious -- I could die from this."
• "I can't die from this!"
• "This isn't fair!"
• "Oh brother, more surgery."
• "I'm never going to get ahead of this stuff!"  
• "Am I going to die of this soon?"

then finally a (resigned?) "Well, better to find out about it now rather than later."

I tried to sooth Leslye by saying something stupid (which most men do when women are crying), and said "I'm sorry".  We both knew I had nothing to be sorry about, but it's a phrase that has stopped tears before and was about the only thing I could think of.

Dr. Nakka had already talked with the surgeon.  She suggested I call his direct line right after our appointment on the off chance that he could see me today.  This ratcheted up the worry factor a little because it seemed to me that there was a little more concern about my situation than before.  Nobody said anything, and I didn't ask so I can't be sure, but suggesting to a patient that he consult with a surgeon immediately following bad news conveys a certain urgency, no?

So now I have an appointment this Thursday with Dr. Reintgen.  He's operated on me before, recently even, so the appointment probably won't last very long, probably only long enough for a short explanation of what he'll do and when after he looks at the PET scan.  He does clinics on Thursdays and surgeries on Tuesdays so I'm shooting for surgery next week on Tuesday.

Whatever the surgery date, it will push chemo and radiation back.  Dr. Nakka says she doesn't like to do chemo until six weeks after surgery, but said that she'd probably start mine after two weeks.  I can't help but think this may compromise my treatment, but maybe waiting a full six weeks will allow another met to take root; it's a balancing act that I certainly am not qualified to manage, nor do I want to.  Just speculation here, but it's probably because chemo is so hard on a body, that it's protocol to wait until the body has a chance to recover from surgery.

For those of you who stumbled on this blog after recently being diagnosed with cancer, get used to the fact that nothing about this disease, or any other major disease, is set in stone and it can change in an instant.  It really takes a "One Day At A Time"  attitude to not go completely nuts.  The most aggravating part for me?  Not being able to plan.  I'm not a slave to the calendar or clock, but for pity's sake! -- I'm getting tired of having my life and plans jerked around at a moment's notice, and it's very tiring sitting in doctor's offices and awakening from anesthesia.