The Dreaded Biopsy

This morning was The Dreaded Biopsy.  This biopsy involved trying to put a needle into a 5mm "something" deep in my neck to draw out a few cells.  For lack of a better term, I'll call the "something" a "lump".  I prepared for this a couple of days earlier by calling the hospital and fairly pleading to be put to sleep during the procedure.  I'm usually stoic about these sorts of things and can usually get by with just gritting my teeth but everyone has their breaking point, needles in the neck is mine.

I managed to get hold of one of the nurses in the radiology department and whined, lied, cajoled, bribed -- anything to get some sort of sedative prescribed for this procedure.  I was shameless.  She was sympathetic to my cause and put a note in my chart.  What the note said is unimportant to me, all I know is that it worked and I got my happy juice.

Learn from this.  It's OK to (politely) make requests and talk back to your medical professionals.  I've probably had more than my share of medical encounters and for all except a couple, have never run into anyone that was not willing to listen to my suggestions and concerns.  They've all been willing to explain things and work with me.  For the one doctor that didn't, I listened politely to his recommendations, then found another doctor.

Doctors love patients that ask questions.  It shows them that they have a partner in the treatment of the disease and not a lab rat.  This requires a little work on your part because you have to learn a little bit about your condition in order to ask intelligent questions and take responsibility for part of the treatment.  This can be difficult and unsettling at times as when the oncologist asked me if I wanted chemo, but overall, it's the best way to fight a disease.  I'm using the word "doctor", but I mean any medical professional who's treating you -- doctors, ARNPs, nurses, technicians, aides, etc.

Now on to the gory details of the procedure.

I and my long suffering wife arrived at the hospital at 6:00 this morning, signed in, did our paperwork, and were escorted to the waiting area.  Because there was a chance of contrast being used and I was getting intravenous drugs (yay!) it was another NPO morning for me, so I was famished.  (Hint:  If at all possible, drink lots of water right before you go to bed.  You're not as dehydrated the next morning and it'll almost certainly make sure you wake up early.)
 
After awhile we were led to my temporary room where I slipped into the fashionable hospital gown and got my IV port, and after a surprisingly short time was wheeled down into the radiology department.  More waiting and the doctor who was going to do the actual needle sticking came in and introduced herself.

She explained that this was a fairly difficult procedure because the target was pretty deep in my neck and she was going to have to thread her way around nerves and arteries and salivary glands that also live in my neck.  She didn't even promise that she'd be able to get anything to work with because she would abandon the biopsy in favor of preventing damage.  That was both reassuring and distressing; I was glad she had my best interests at heart, but the thought of going through all this and coming up empty handed kind if irked me.  She also stressed that I had to be very still and swallow as little as possible. 

Huh.  "Try not to swallow."  Have you ever been told to not swallow then tried to not swallow?

A few minutes later I kissed Leslye goodbye and left for the CT scanner room.  The idea was to do a CT scan to precisely locate the lump, then insert the needle a little bit of the way in, scan some more to check the location of the needle, push on the needle some more and so on until the lump is hit.

After I climbed on the table of the CT scanner, the nurse put some sedative into the IV.  I must admit, having never used recreational pharmaceuticals, I was really looking forward to this, just to see what all the fuss was about.  It was nice but woozy.  It certainly did take the edge off, because when it came time to insert the biopsy needle all I thought was "Ah!  She just put the needle in.  It kinda hurts."  And that was it.

The rest of my time in that room consisted of dozing and responding to the CT scanner tech's voice saying "Don't breath, don't swallow,  (Pause)  OK, breathe." while she scanned me to check the needle location.  That's all I remember. 

The whole thing start to finish was supposed to take about a half hour but took an hour and a half for me because the lump kept scooting out of the way of the tip of the biopsy needle.  The doctor said it was like trying to stick a grape sitting on top of jello.  She finally got hold of it by sticking another needle in my neck to hold the lump still so the biopsy needle could make contact.

Afterward I was wheeled back into the radiology department where Leslye was waiting and I was watched for bleeding.  A short while later I was wheeled back to my temporary room and an hour later went home.  The sedative was still going strong so after lunch, I ended up sleeping the rest of the afternoon.  The only real after affect I have is a fullness in my neck under my mouth and a little tenderness.

The results of the biopsy should be available sometime next week, probably Wednesday.