Thoughts From A "Long Suffering Wife" or A Wife's Viewpoint

Today's post is by my wife, Leslye:

 

I am Leslye, Paul’s wife of 19 years this April.  I think it is great he is writing this blog and I sometimes gain insight from it. 

I have always known him as a kidney transplant recipient and I understood his need for medicine, blood work and doctor visits 4 times a year.  It wasn’t’ until around the 4^th skin cancer biopsy and/or removal that I started to realize I was going to be losing him biopsy bit by excision bit.  I didn’t like it but what could I do?  Sometimes I would wish he wasn’t quite so diligent and not always have something open and bloody.  Plus the pain of the freezing…I don’t know how he does it.  There finally came a time I just got mad at his suppressed immune system that was allowing these stupid Squamous and Basal cell cancers to continually invade his body-my body that I loved to stroke.  He always seemed to be going to the dermatologist/ARNP; I know we bought him a boat or two. I am now eternally thankful to the ARNP for doing the shave biopsy that showed MCC.

I guess I put too much faith in medical science. The worse part of Paul losing his kidney was watching him ‘wind down’ like a wind-up toy.  It was frustrating because everyone knew Paul would need a transplant and his brother was a perfect match.  Need kidney, have one, put it in, get on with life.  For whatever reason, they had to let the old one run its course and we all suffered by watching him get sicker and able to do less.  *Stupid*. Because of my faith in medicine I never gave thought to idea that he could reject the kidney.  I knew everything would be fine, it was and continues to be. 

Ten years ago I never gave “the Big C” (my dad’s term) any thought.  It did not affect my life.  Then my [step] grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer and died within a few months.  I never got to say goodbye.  I hated cancer because it had so quickly taken away my grandfather.  Five years ago, his son, my [step] uncle was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer.  HE WAS IN HIS MID 40s!  Roger immediately quit smoking (big duh there) and did *everything* he was told to do and then some to prolong his life.  He even participated in a study or two.  Nothing would stop the spread of cancer and he died almost 2 years later to the day of diagnosis at the age of 47.  I HATE CANCER!!  Cancer doesn’t care who you are or what you do to stop it.  It just keeps growing.

The thought that this MCC may take my husband’s life enrages me.  And it scares me to death.  Really scares me…a lot.  

I know that life is not fair but damned it, this is not fair!  Paul has been through so much: his kidney health scares, our ‘high maintenance’ kids (16 & 18 now), skin cancers and now this *%#)*@! MCC comes from out of nowhere.  One of the things that makes me mad is that it had the nerve to grow over a scar from yet another BS or SC. How dare it!

So here we are 2 months after hearing the term Merkel Cell Carcinoma.  You have read what Paul has gone though and I am with him every step of the way.  I find myself slipping and saying ‘we’ have an appointment when it is really Paul who has the appointment.  I go with him for moral support, to be a second set of ears and note taker and be in the background.  That last one is a challenge for me because I am a take charge type of person.  I have to remind myself that I am with Paul during appointments and procedures for HIM, not my need to know everything.  2011 is all about my husband Paul, his needs and his BEATING this cancer.
 

I am a better wife now.  I am less self centered, less demanding of our 16 yr old, and try to be much more aware of Paul’s needs. I kiss him every opportunity I get and tell him I love him more often than when one of us leaves the house.  I now go to bed when he does and we snuggle in bed for an hour on Saturday mornings.  I want to give him the best care, support, nurturing and love he needs to get through the upcoming treatment.  

The thing I hate more than anything, cancer, has made me a better person and wife.   I am not going to lose my husband to it without a heck of a fight.